Grim(m) Stories: Rumpelstiltskin – Logic isn’t their strong suit

A miller has a beautiful daughter. There you go. Classic fairy tale beginning. He speaks to the king and tells him that his daughter can spin straw into gold to impress him. Which, you know, stupid. Because, obviously she can’t.

The king says, “That’s cool. Let’s see if it’s true.” and locks her up over night and tells her that if she can’t do it, he’ll behead her. I think it’s a bit unfair, though. She didn’t lie to you, mate, it’s all the father’s fault.

The girl starts crying, because she can’t do it and is afraid to die.  Luckily for her, a small man appears and offers to do it for her, if she gives him something in return, so she gives him a necklace. He’s satisfied with that and spins all the straw into gold.

Next day, the king walks in and sees all the gold and is very impressed, but not yet content. So he says, “That was pretty good. Let’s see if you can do it again.” Arsehole.

So, the girls starts weeping again, because she still can’t do it, but fortunately, the little man appears again and says, “I’ll do it again. What will you give me this time?”

And she goes, “I have a ring, would you fancy that?” He does and spins all the straw into gold again.

By morning, the king returns, sees all the gold and goes, “Awesome. Do it again tonight.” I hate that guy.

She cries again and the little man appears and says, “What will you give me?”

But the girl doesn’t have anything to give anymore and she tells him that. The little man, though, has suggestion.

“Listen, I’ll do it, if you give me your first born child.”

What is it with people trading their children? Unborn children, nonetheless. Guys. This is not right.

The girl says, “Yeah, sure, you can have that.”

So the man does as he always has. The king returns next morning, sees that she’s made it and goes, “That’s a really cool talent. Marry me?”

AND SHE SAYS YES. She’s gonna marry the arse now. Jeez, girl…

Now that girl becomes queen and after a year has a child. I don’t have words for this. It’s stupid. Had I promised someone my first born child, I would definitely not go and have a child the very next year.

The little man appears and says, “You promised me your child. Hand it over.”

She says no. You promised, though, love. The little man says so much, but agrees to give her three days in which she has to guess his name. If she does guess correctly, she can keep her child.

The girl tosses and turns all night, thinking of names and then decides to send out a messenger, who is to collect all the names in the city so that she has a wider range to guess from. Luckily for her, he comes across a fire, where the little man is jumping around, singing,

“Today I brew, tomorrow I bake;

And then the prince child I will take;

For no one knows my little game;

That Rumpelstiltskin is my name.

Again, if I wanted to make it difficult to guess my name, I wouldn’t make it into a sing-along. I was rooting for you, Rumpelstiltskin. You’ve lost my vote, now.

Rumpelstiltskin appears again and says, “So – what’s my name?”

The girl decides to play a little and says, “Are you called Conrad?”

He’s like, “No. No, I’m not.”

“Is it Henry?”

“Nah, wrong again.”

And then she says, “Could it be, that maybe, you’re called Rumpelstiltskin?!”

Rumpelstiltskin gets properly angry, stomps his foot through the floor and pulls himself in two! That’s what I call rage.

What is this supposed to tell me then? Names are very important? Don’t marry greedy kings? Don’t lie? All of those?

You can read the original version by the Grimm brothers here. If you have a fairy tale that you would like to see recapped, be sure to leave a comment and I will definitely do it.

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