Grim(m) Stories: Rapunzel – Girl. What are you doing?

Guys. Guys. Rapunzel. Always thought I liked that tale, seen as Rapunzel’s got beautiful long hair. Loads of hair does not mean loads of brain, though.

Tale starts, as usual, with the parents. The woman’s pregnant and she’s got a ravenous appetite for rapunzel salad. In fact, she tells her husband that if she doesn’t get to eat the salad, she’s going to die. A bit overdramatic for my taste…

So she and her husband creep into the garden next door to steal some. The woman who owns the garden bust them, though and is really mad about people stealing her salad.

So the husband says, “Yo, she’s pregnant, she totes needs the salad.”

The garden-woman says, “Well, she can have the salad if I get the child once it’s born.”

AND THEY AGREE! Can you believe that? They just traded their unborn child for a freakin’ salad! WHAT. THE. HELL????

Okay. Okay.

The woman gives birth to a daughter and hands her over to the garden-woman, who names her Rapunzel. After the salad. People. I told you so many times. Name your children something nice, not “Snow White” or “Garden Salad”.

The garden woman sets up a huge tower and when after years, Rapunzel’s hair is long enough, she locks her up at the top for no apparent reason. Whenever the garden-woman wants to get up, she calls, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!” And then, when the girl lets her hair down, she climbs up on it. That must hurt.

Years later, a prince rides by and hears Rapunzel singing. So he hides and waits until the garden woman (who really is a witch and an evil person, but she’ll always be the garden woman now) appears again so that he learns how to get up the tower.

The garden woman leaves again and the prince walks up and calls, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair to me!”

And Rapunzel does and is awfully astonished when the prince appears instead of the garden woman. He must sound different, though. Garden woman and prince = do not sound alike. Girl. What’s going on with you?

Rapunzel is very frightened but the prince is friendly and then proceeds to ask her if she wants to marry him. She only just met you, mate. Slow down.

But Rapunzel looks at him and thinks, yup, he’s handsome enough, let’s just marry him.

So they make up this plan that the prince shall visit her regularly, and will bring pieces of silk every time and they’ll make a ladder out of it. Why doesn’t he build a large ladder from downstairs?

The garden woman first knows nothing of this, but one day, Rapunzel says, “Hey, how come it’s so much harder to pull you up compared to the prince?” GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You only have one secret. ONE. How hard is it to keep that? How hard can it be to just shut up, girl?

In the original-original version, she in fact gets pregnant and finally the garden woman realizes that she’s grown rounder. That is not quite as stupid, but still leaves the stupidity of dragging the ladder-building out.

The garden woman grows quite angry and cuts off Rapunzel’s hair before banning her to the desert. Why, that was harsh, but I haven’t forgiven the girl for her stupidity yet, so I’m just going to say: serves you right.

The prince returns that very evening and calls “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair” and the garden woman takes the hair she cut off and drags the prince up. She threatens to scratch out his eyes and in his desperation, he jumps out of the tower. Thorns pierce his eyes but he remains otherwise unharmed. Sure, fairy tale. Whatever you say.

He roams through the forest for years, lamenting, until at last, he finds Rapunzel who has in fact given birth to twins! There you go, everything falls into place.

She recognizes him, hugs him and starts weeping. Luckily, her tears fall in his eyes (I’m still trying to figure out how exactly she would have to hug him – assuming, of course, that she’s smaller than him. Maybe she’s tall and he’s a niblet? IDK.) and they heal him!

Now that he can see again, everything is good and he leads her back to his kingdom where they will live happily ever after.

I guess. This is supposed to tell me that… mothers will sell their daughters for salad? You’ve got to cut your hair in time? KEEP YOUR BLOOD SECRETS TO YOURSELF?? One of those. Or maybe all.

You can read the original version of Rapunzel here. If you have a fairy tale that you would like to see recapped, be sure to leave a comment and I will definitely do it.

Have yourself a lovely day :)

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