Grim(m) Stories: Little Snow White – What up, pedophilia?

I decided on something classy and simple this time. Because God knows, I don’t have the energy for something Aladdin-lengthy.

Snow White, people.

The story starts with the queen, who is sewing in the middle of winter, looking out to the snow. Because she’s so busy staring at snowflakes, she pricks her finger and – no, she doesn’t fall asleep – a bit of blood drops onto the snow. She thinks that these colours look really pretty together and she wishes for a child which is white as snow, red as blood and black as the window frame (who did the blood even drop onto the snow if she’s sitting on the other side of the window. HUH?

Her wish is granted and she gets a daughter with really white skin, really red lips and really black hair. They call her Little Snow White. IDK, why can’t people give their children normal names in fairy tales? Why Snow White or Little Red Riding Hood?

Unfortunately, the queen dies in childbirth and after a year, the king marries another woman. If you think that this can’t go well – you’re right.

The new queen has a wonderful mirror and when she asks it, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” it answers quite honestly. For long years, the mirror tells the queen that she is, in fact, the most beautiful woman around.

But Snow White grows up, and she’s really pretty, so when she’s seven, the queen asks the mirror again: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” the mirror says, “You’re still pretty, but Snow White is prettier.”

So the queen turns yellow and green with envy (doesn’t exactly help her case, either). She decides that she has to get rid of the girl and tells a huntsman to kill her in a forest and bring back her lung and liver.

The huntsman says yes, he’ll do that and takes Snow White to the forest.

Snow White starts crying when the huntsman is about to do the deed and asks him to spare her. The huntsman realizes that she incredibly!pretty – BUT ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD! – and lets her go. He instead kills a bear, brings the lung and liver – and the queen eats it! She still thinks it’s Snow White’s lung and liver, though! WHAT IS GOING ON?

So Snow White hurries off through the forest until she finds a cottage, which she enters. She eats what is left lying around and finally goes to sleep in one of the beds. You have to note, though, that she eats and drinks from each plate and mug and that she tries every bed before settling in the last. Girl. What are you doing?

While she’s asleep, the seven dwarfs return home and are pretty confused when they find Snow White. They, too, think she’s lovely, and decide to let her sleep.  Next day, they tell her that she can stay if she takes care of the house, cooking and all that other stuff.

Meanwhile, the queen goes to her mirror again and says, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” and the mirror says, “Oh, queen, thou art fairest of all I see, but over the hills, where the seven dwarfs dwell, snow-white is still alive and well, and none is so fair as she.”

Sucks, thinks the queen and prepares for another attempt to murder Snow White’s face off.

She disguises herself and goes to the dwarfs’ cottage, pretending to sell new laces. Snow White lets her in and lets herself be laced. Now the queen pulls it so tight that Snow White can’t breathe and falls unconscious. The queen thinks, “Great, she’s dead!” and takes off.

But Snow White isn’t really dead. The dwarfs return and untie the laces and she’s alive again. The dwarfs tell her to not let anyone in for they figure that it was the evil queen.

Speaking of which, she returned home, asked her mirror again and got pretty pissed when she found out that Snow White is still alive. So she makes yet another plan. She makes a poisonous comb and sets off again to the dwarf’s cottage. Snow White hasn’t learnt and lets the woman in again. The queen places the comb in Snow White’s hair and the girl falls down dead. That’s not exactly how poison works, love. You need to get it into the body, but whatever.

The dwarfs come home, take the comb out and Snow White comes back to life again. Once more, the dwarfs tell her not to let anyone into the house, because, stupid, the queen tried to kill you twice already by selling you stuff inside the house. Stop it, damn it.

The queen, meanwhile, stands in front of her mirror again and it tells her that Snow White is still alive. So the queen now makes a poisonous apple and sets off again.

Snow White tells her that she can’t let anyone in, though, so the queen gives her the apple through the window. This girl. This bloody girl. Snow White eats and falls down dead. Finally, the queen has reached her goal, and the mirror tells her that she’s the most beautiful woman.

The dwarfs return home and find Snow White dead. Nothing they do brings her back to life, so they decide that they have to bury her. But she’s so beautiful – AND ONLY SEVEN! – that they don’t want her to be in the earth, but make a glass coffin, so they can look at her. That’s creepy, isn’t it?

Gets even more creepy.

A prince comes along, sees Snow White and thinks she is so beautiful – AND ONLY SEVEN! – that he wants to have the coffin very badly. What does he want to do with a glass coffin containing a seven year old girl? Huh?

The dwarfs give the coffin to him and he has his servants carry the coffin through the woods. They stumble, though, and thus free the piece of apple that was stuck in Snow White’s mouth and surprise, she comes alive again!

She’s a bit disoriented but the prince tells her that he loves her and wants to marry her – BUT SHE’S ONLY SEVEN!

She agrees – THOUGH SHE’S ONLY SEVEN – and they set up the wedding.

They invite the evil queen for some reason, who is already angry again, because the mirror told her that the new queen is much more beautiful than her.

She still goes to the wedding, though, and is forced to dance in iron shoes until she dies.

I can’t even with this. I don’t know what it is supposed to tell me, either.

You can read the Grimm brother’s version of Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs here.

Have yourself a lovely day :) If you have a fairy tale that you would like to see recapped, be sure to leave a comment and I will definitely do it.

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