Previously: Egogy, the time-travelling monster, laughed statistically and Tom Riddle asked her out on a date.
Chapter 35 actually has a title. It’s called “gost of u”. Isn’t she supposed to be a My Chemical Romance fan? Couldn’t she at least spell one of their songs right?
fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.
There’re much to much “fangz” in there… she thanks a certain “suzi” for some idea. I blame you, suzi. She also says that she’s going to end the story really soon. It’s ironic that it goes on almost 10 chapter after this and that there was never a real end…
Ebony is still in Tom Riddle’s time and she goes to the Common Room and sees Draco. She’s all, “What are you doing here?” (only a with a lot more spelling mistakes and swearing). Then she realizes that it’s in fact not Draco, but Lucius.
She tries to cover it up and Lucius points to some people who he’s in a band with. Of course. Apparently, those guys are Sirius, James Potter (who is only referred to as “Vampire’s dad”) and – shock, gasp, dots – Snape. Lucius tells her that they’re going to play as a back-up for Marilyn Manson at that concert in Hogsmeade.
“ORLY.” I ESKED.
“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”
ORLY? What? And what’s with the capslock? Who is Spartacus? And what sort of stupid name is “XBlakXTearX”. That’s not a band name, that’s a sickness.
“But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.
“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.”
“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.
“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said.
“Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself.”
“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111
“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?”
No, really, I don’t want to hear you sing. Or you know what? I don’t bloody care. Whatever.
They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.
“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.
You stick away from Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Tara! This is where it stops being funny! And those puns… when I see those puns, I want to curl up in a corner and weep for humanity.
So, Ebony gets hired for the band, but decides that she definitely needs a new outfit for that occasion. She wonders how she could possibly go forward in time – this time the floor apparently doesn’t open. Fortunately for her, and very unfortunately for me, help comes in the form of – wait for it:
This is so sad. It’s so sad that she had to drag Back To The Future into this mess. Especially since “Morty Mcfli” just pulls out a time machine (IT’S A FUCKING DELOREAN, HOW CAN YOU JUST PULL THAT OUT????) She enters it and suddenly goes forward in time.
There’s still a next chapter and I don’t have enough booze to compensate that.
AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111
I’m an old seventy-year-old? Does this mean there are young seventy-year-olds? IDK. “Portersuz” is supposedly a prep, and I’m just gonna go ahead and say, you’re probably not, love, don’t take it too hard.
I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B’lody Mary, Socrates and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.
“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”
What’s it with calling him Socrates? What is going on? At least there’s still that apostrophe in B’loody Mary, and I’m saying at least because that’s Tara’s only success in consistency.
They’re planning a shopping trip, because Ebony needs several outfits, they need a potion for Professor Trewlaney (to cure her of her addiction to Volxemortserum) and a love potion for Ebony, so that Tom will fall in love with her. They decide that they’ll get those in Potions, though.
We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111
“Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111” Draco shouted angrily.
“STFU!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. “Now do ur work!111”
Why is the poor minister called Cornelia Fuck? Seriously, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Fudge, but this is just too much. And why is Dumbledore in Akhabian for having cancer? That’s not a crime, Tara, that’s a bloody sickness. Ugh.
Draco, Harry and Ebony are talking angrily, but are still more upset about the fact that Snape used to be gothic.
Ebony is drinking some beer and blood (in class!?) and then sees Hagrid in a cupboard. Can you imagine Hagrid, the half-giant in a cupboard?
“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly…”HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11″ he shooted.
I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.
“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111
It’s so typical that Ebony just forgets all about Hagrid in a cupboard when she sees that Draco is “shexier den eva”. Gosh… How do you beat someone up sexily? There’s nothing sexy about it. Someone hand me Amnesia Portion, please. I want to forget all about this.
Next on My Immortal: It’s Darko’s pont of view, LOL, and Ebony and Tom are going on their date.
Have yourself a lovely day :)