Grim(m) Stories: Cinderella – Rhyming is a good-guy-thing

Honestly, there’s probably no fairy tale that I love more than Cinderella. I don’t know why I put myself through this, then. I probably won’t love it so much afterwards.

Anyways, let’s get on with it.

There’s a man, who’s got a wife and a daughter. The wife falls ill and when she realizes that she’s going to die, she tells her daughter to basically be a good little girl. The girl, Cinderella, agrees, and the mother dies.

After a year or so, the man decides that he doesn’t want to stay alone, so he marries again. Enter the evil step-mother and her two daughters, who are beautiful, but evil.

They call poor, good, little Cinderella a kitchen-maid and take away her clothes, which is a low-blow, especially since she now has to walk around in wooden shoes. Uncomfortable.

The father doesn’t seem to mind much, but negligent parenting is a thing in fairy tales, so no surprises there.

One day, he goes off and asks his three daughters what he should bring back for them. Bitch 1&2 want beautiful dresses and jewellery, but Cinderella only wants a twig that brushes on her father’s hat, for whatever reason. I read this already, though! Maybe he’s going to sell Cinderella off to a beast.

So he rides off, does his business and returns with the gifts. Bitch 1&2 get what they wished for, as does Cinderella, who receives a hazel twig.
She plants it on her mother’s grave and really quickly, it grows to be a full tree. Whatever you say, fairy tale, whatever you say.

Now, in the country where they live, there’s also a king and that king, of course, has a son who searches for a bride. So the king decides that the best way to get know girls is if you throw a party, so he invites every girl for a three day festivity.

Bitch 1&2 order Cinderella to brush their hair and clean their shoes and everything else they need. She obeys but starts crying, because she’d really, really like to go as well.

So she goes to Mother Bitch and says, “Hey, how about I go, too?”

And Mother Bitch goes, “You’re dirty and you don’t have any clothes (cause we stole them), so… no way.”

But Cinderella keeps on begging, kind of like these children who desperately want chocolate at the supermarket.

So Mother Bitch says, “All right, listen up. I’ll drop this bowl of lentils into the ashes. If you pick them out quick enough, you can come.”

Surely, Mother Bitch didn’t think that Cinderella would make it, but the girl’s got an ace up her sleeve. She goes outside to her tree and asks all the birds who sit on it to come and help her, which they do. And she goes,

“The good ones go into the pot, the bad ones go into your crop.”

Teamwork’s always better, you see, so they manage to do that and Cinderella goes, proud as a peacock, to her stepmother, who is all, “Shit. She did it.”

So Mother Bitch says, “Okay. You still don’t have any clothes and you can’t dance. So… you won’t come.”

And Cinderella starts crying again, because she’s useless like that. So the stepmother goes, “All right. I’ll throw two boles of lentils into the ashes and you need to pick them out in time.”

So Cinderella summons her birds again and they do the job. She returns to Mother Bitch, who says, “Well. That was okay, but… you’re still not coming.”

And she leaves with Bitch 1&2. So Cinderella thinks, ‘screw that’ and goes out to the tree and says,

Shake and quiver, little tree, throw gold and silver down to me.”

Since everything works when you rhyme, she receives a beautiful dress and hurries off to the festival.

The stepmother and her daughters don’t even recognize her because she’s not covered in dirt anymore.

The prince, of course, thinks she’s beautiful, too and asks her to dance and doesn’t let dance with her either. There’s even this one guy who asks for a dance with Cinderella and the prince goes, “Fuck off, dude. She’s mine.”

The prince wants to escort her home, but she escapes him for unknown reasons and hides in a pigeon coop. Fine, then. The prince waits for the father to return (who obviously was at the party, too, and didn’t recognize his daughter, either) and tells him that some girl jumped into his pigeon coop.

And the father goes, “Oh, could be Cinderella.” So they break down the coop, but don’t find her, cause she threw off the dress and returned to the kitchen.

Next day, the same thing happens again, including rhyming and not recognizing your own daughter. She climbs up a tree, this time, though and so the father when told by the prince, now cuts down the tree.

And on the third day, it happens exactly the same, but this time the prince is prepared! He has the stairs smeared with pitch, so one of her slippers stuck on that and she leaves it behind.

So, next day, the prince sets off to find the girl who fits into the shoe and he arrives at Cinderella’s home. Bitch 1 tries on the shoe, but it doesn’t quite fit. So the Mother Bitch gives her a knife and says, “Cut of your toe, won’t need it when your queen.”
And so the daughter does and the prince takes her with him. Luckily, though, they pass the tree and the birds cry,

“Rook di goo, rook di goo!
There’s blood in the shoe.
The shoe is too tight,
This bride is not right!”

Birds who rhyme are to be trusted, so the prince looks and sees that they are right. He takes the girl back and orders Bitch 2 to try the shoe. Her toes fit, but her heel is too large, so Mother Bitch goes, “Cut off your heel, won’t need it when you’re queen.”
And so Bitch 2 does and the prince rides off with her again. The birds rhyme again and the prince takes the girl back.

So the prince says to the father, “Those two weren’t right, don’t you have another daughter?”

The father says, “Yeah, deformed little Cinderella, but she’s definitely not the one.”

The prince is not easily fooled and he says, “I’d like to see her.”

Mother Bitch, panicking slightly, says, “No, really, she’s dirty and everything. You don’t want to see her.”

But the prince insists and Cinderella arrives, puts on the shoe and it fits. So the prince takes Cinderella with him and the birds now rhyme happily.

They marry and Bitch 1&2 are invited for some reason and even come, as to maybe get into Cinderella’s favours again, but they didn’t consider the birds, who pick out their eyes.

The End.

Moral of the story? If you are good and hard-working, rhyming birds will you give you beautiful dresses. And gold shoes.

You can read the original version by the Grimm brothers here. Have yourself a lovely day :)

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