Previously: Apart from the usual tit-tat about Draco, Tom Rid, and Hogsmeade concerts,
unspeakable things happened and I do not want to be reminded of them.
With Chapter 22 we reach the halfway point, and although that means there’s just the same amount of horror yet to come, I think it’s time to celebrate.
Good. Now that that’s done, let’s get on with the story:
AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!
Translation: Tara’s not our biggest fan. It’s not her fault if she spelled something wrong, but Raven’s. Honey, it is your fault if you spell things wrong. She then proceeds to apologize to Raven. Supposedly, she visited the castle were Dracula was filmed.
When they return to the school, Draco is crying in the common room. Ebony asks him if he’s okay “in a gothic voice”. Dafuq?
Draco then insults her and runs out in a “suicidal way”. Again: Dafuq?
Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.
“Draco please come!” he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)
First, I’m not a homophone. Neither am I homophobic, which she probably meant. No. Tara is the one who said gay guys probably have AIDS.
They hear footsteps, though and Harry pulls out his “blak invincibility coke”. An invincibility coke. That’s amazing. It’s Invisibility Cloak, Tara. And it’s not black. Not everything is “gothic”, honey.
She claims that it is the “janitor”, “Mr Norris”, accompanied by his cat, Filth. Now. It’s Argus Filch, the caretaker, and Mrs Norris is his cat.
She meows loudly, but of course, Filch/Mr Norris can’t see them. He calls out if there’s someone there and Harry answers:
“No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.
Filch/Mr Norris asks his cat if there’s someone under the cloak. I don’t think Tara has gotten the concept of an Invisibility Cloak. Harry kisses Ebony just as Filch/ Mr Norris pulls off the cloak.
They run away though and find Draco outside the castle. Draco and Ebony go back to her room, kissing (she just can’t decide, can she?) and when they arrive, Ebony has a vision. She doesn’t tell us what it is, though.
When it ends, there’s a knock on the door and “Fug and da Mystery of Magic” walk into the school.
How can a Ministry walk? And it’s Fudge, not Fug.
AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1
Translation: Tara claims to know that it’s “Mr Noris”. She obviously does not. Again, she says it’s Raven’s fault and then realizes that Raven will probably be angry, so she sort of takes it back.
The next day, Ebony wakes up in her coffin and then proceeds to “open the door”. She’s wearing leather pajamas. That sounds uncomfortable.
She gasps and sees Draco, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Willow standing in front of her. Did they just stand there, waiting for her to get up? That’s creepy! Then, Ebony opens her crimson eyes. That means, she probably has x-ray vision or something, seeing with her eyes closed.
Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too.
It took me a long while to figure out who she meant. Then I realized she meant Ginny. As in Ginevra Weasley, Ron’s sister.
So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
Took me a while to figure that out, too – what do Crab and Goyle have to do with it all? She confused them. Confused them with Fred and George. It’s incredible, yet it makes sense in the sentence – Ginny, Ron, Fred and George share a father. That would be Arthur Weasley, by the way, who is NOT a vampire and who is NOT dead and who would NEVER harm his children. And he would be devastated if they switched Houses and became Slytherins.
They don’t tell Ebony why exactly they’re there, staring at her closed coffin-door and Ebony is freaking out, because she first has to put on clothes (she wears her leather pajamas), but in the end, after some senseless back and forth and the putting on of Ebony’s horror make-up, they go to stand outside the Great Hall looking in through a “widow”.
There’s that girl, Britney, who is supposedly a “prep” from “Griffindoor”.
Anyways, inside is “Dumbledork” and “Cornelia Fudged” is shouting at him. It’s Cornelius Fudge! He’s not a woman! But a man – who shouldn’t be Minister now, by the way. By their seventh year, You-Know-Who has taken over the Ministry and Pius Thicknesse is Minister, I think. Before him, it was Rufus Scrimgeour. Not Fudge.
Also, Doris Rumbridge is there – who is supposed to be Dolores Umbridge. I doubt that she would return to Hogwarts. Remember that centaur-incident in OotP?
“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.
“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”
First – the Bark Lord? Ruler of the Dogs or what?
Second – Dumbledore doesn’t have Alzheimer’s. He only puts his memories into a Pensieve… no, seriously, guys, he doesn’t have Alzheimers. And what’s with people casually calling You-Know-Who “Voldemort”? Tara really doesn’t know a thing about Harry Potter.
Dumbledore announces that they can not close the school, because the only person who is capable of killing You-Know-Who is in the school. I thought – right, it’s Harry, and then I realized that this is My Immortal.
There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
That’s a new name. We had Ebony, Enoby, Evony, I remember Ebondy, but I think we never had Enony.
Once again, we witness a witty ending, in the form of Ebony gasping.
Next on My Immortal: Ebony is now a man and Professor Sinistra is teaching Divination.
Have yourself a lovely day :)