Previously: Snap and Loopin film Ebony and masticate to it. Ron had transformed Harry’s scar into a pentagram.
AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!
Are we all on the same page? Raven has Tara’s sweater and Tara stole Raven’s poster of Gerard Way. Be prepared.
Harry and Ebony are hurrying to Dumbledore to tell him about the whole Draco-Voldemort-bondage thing.
“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.
I conclude that it turns him on if someone yells “Dumblydore” at him. Anyways, Dumbledore doesn’t give “a darn” about Draco, because, you know, Dumbledore’s totally mean. That’s what we know about him.
Dumbledore says that Draco misbehaved, especially with Ebony, and that he never liked him anyway. I get really angry at this violation of Dumbledore’s character.
Harry’s moaning, because Draco will possibly die, and Tara adds: “AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!” Just a few chapters ago, she was like “gay guys have AIDS”, and now they’re hot? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND, TARA!
Harry starts crying tears of blood. You might think that’s all right; Ebony’s crying tears of blood all the time. But she’s a vampire! Harry only gets called Vampire! There has to be something seriously wrong with him if his eyes are bleeding!
Suddenly, Harry has a brainstorm (okay?) and calls out that he has an idea. Harry takes out his wand and does a spell (WHICH ONE?). And then they are in “Voldemprt’s lair”.
A) a spell to switch places? That would be apparition; and it’s not possible inside of Hogwarts due to protection spells.
B) The Dark Lord doesn’t have a “lair”.
They run inside (they already are inside) and then they hear a voice shout: “Allah Kedavra!”
Does that mean He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is actually a Muslim? That would be a whole new take on it all…
It was….. Voldemort!
Do you see these five dots? Because meeting Voldemort in Voldemort’s lair is totes unexpected.
Chapter 14 starts with an Author’s Note that I’m going to skip. I want to tell you this, though:
WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.
I’m just going to leave it at that.
It turns out You-Know-Who isn’t there at all, instead “the fat guy who killed Cedric” is. Actually, Cedric was still alive just a few chapters ago… whatever. His name is Peter Pettigrew, Tara. Or Wormtail. And calling him “Snaketail” doesn’t make it any better.
They start shooting “Snaketail” with the gun; then, he looks at Ebony and says:
He doesn’t have any words for all of this, either. What he really wanted to say was:
“Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?”
Ebony laughes “crudely” and tells him no (naturally). Then she stabs him in the heart. With what? Your steak?
Snaketail starts running around, screaming then falls to the floor and dies. Let’s all take a moment to imagine that scene and pity Wormtail.
“Snaketail what art thou doing?” called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.
Why is the Dark Lord wearing high heels? WHY? WHYWHYWHYWHY? Why do they have broomsticks all of a sudden? And why do they… why… ugh. This is all followed by a grape.
“What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.
What is everything in this context? Anyway, Ebony starts bitching about why she has to be so beautiful.
“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.
Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful? I’m good at too many things? I haven’t seen a single thing in which she’s actually good. She even screwed up the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. Literally.
It turns out it wasn’t a real grape, now. She left poor Draco all alone, naked and prepared with his sex-pack. Poor him.
Next on My Immortal: Ebony goes to Biology class and Volsemort and da Death Dealers are the new stars on rock heaven.
Have yourself a lovely day :)