Recap: My Immortal Chapter 11&12 – Snape doesn’t have any factors

Previously: Ebony through Hermione’s cat at the Dark Lord and Draco commited suicide,
even though that’s supposedly impossible.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

I seriously don’t know why I’m putting myself through this. Translation: She wants us to stop flaming the story. This chapter is supposedly not stupid and deals with serious issues.

Ebony’s devasted because Draco is dead and she runs to her room, where she goes to have a bath. She grabs a steak (hungry much?) and tries to stake herself with it. That fails (or something along those lines) and she decides to get out of the bath. She dresses and then looks out of the window to see “Snap” and “Loopin” taking a video of her and Loopin is actually masticating to it. I suppose that has something to do with the steak.

Anyways, Lupin shouldn’t even be at Hogwarts right now. He’s not a teacher in their seventh year. That was back in third year. And you stay away from Remus!


They’re not looking at you naked, Ebony. You’ve described the clothes you put on.

Harry runs in, points his womb (WTH?) and yells, “Abra Kedavra!” It’s not… it’s not… I can’t even…

Okay. Ebony shoots Loopin and Snap a gazillion times; then, Dumblydore runs in (who is this guy?). Suddenly, “Hargrid” runs outside on his broom. 1) You don’t run on a broom, you fly on a broom. 2) Can you imagine Hagrid on a broomstick??

Someone says Hagrid is just a little Hogwarts student. No. No, he’s not. He’s the gamekeeper. WHAT?

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Snap doesn’t have any factors.


Loopin is rubbing his dirty hands on his clooks and Hagrid reveals that he loves Ebony after singing “a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent”. It’s probably “Candy Shop”. WHAT IS GOING ON?

I’m just going to skip to Chapter 12.

stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

I don’t know what the first part is meant to be – but I think she tries to tell us that Hagrid is a pedophile, which is a problem in American schools – is it? She doesn’t believe that Snape is not christian. I think wizards and witches are not particularly religious, so… she also claims that it was Cedric who is in love with her. Cedric? As in Cedric Diggory? Who is dead since the Triwizard Tournament in YEAR FOUR!

So, Harry’s scar starts hurting and it changes back into a lightning bolt. He says that “Diabolo”, who is Ron, had changed it into a pentagram for him before – WTF? He also says that “Volfemort” has Draco “bondage”. Is this turning into some weird BDSM fic? I think she meant hostage, though.

Suddenly, she’s in the Hospital Wing, along with Snap, Loopin and HAHRID, who are going to St. Mango’s after their recovery for being pedophiles. 1) It’s St. Mungo, and it’s a hospital. 2) Tara means Azkaban. That’s the prison.

She has some conversation with Hagrid about Loopin MASTABATING – “c is dat speld rong?” Yes. Yes, it is.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

I just don’t… I don’t… That’s one more time that I have to say: THIS IS NOT A SPELL; it belongs in a list with Crookshanks! and Abra Kedavra!

With that spell, Hairgrid produces some sort of black flame.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

Yup. After that, Ebony goes to some classes and meets Harry in “the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures” with Professor McGoggle. A) it’s Professor McGonagall, for Merlin’s sake, and B) It’s Care of Magical Creatures. And it’s taught by HAGRID! WHO IS NOT A STUDENT!

Anyway, Harry and Ebony just start sleeping with each other in the middle of class but are interrupted by Professor McGoggle (STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!) and Ebony accuses Harry of trying to screw her. He didn’t try, he just – and you – and – ugh.

We get the whole part about Harry’s scar hurting and being transformed into a pentagram and stuff again for some reason.

We finish with yet another AN.



I advice you to remember that there was something about a sweater. It will get even worse.

Next on My Immortal: Voldemort’s a Muslim and we get to meet Snaketail.

Have yourself a lovely day :)


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