Recap: My Immortal Chapter 1&2 – Hogwarts is NOT in England!

We start the story with the ridiculously long name “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way”. I especially enjoy that apostrophe in “Dark’ness”. Anyways, she looks like Amy Lee and I can’t get “da hell out of here” because I actually know who that is.

She’s a vampire, which is fair enough, because there are vampires in Harry Potter. She’s also a witch. Now, I’m not sure if that’s possible. There was only ever one vampire that we met in Harry Potter, I think it was in the sixth book and there’s nothing said whether he’s magical or not. I doubt it, but I’m going to let it go.

I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).

See, there’s a problem with that. Hogwarts is not in England. It is presumed that it’s located in Scotland, which would fit concerning the direction that the Hogwarts express is going to and also the general description of landscape around the castle. BUT – you can’t actually locate it on a map because of the protection spells (that is, I guess, explained in GoF).

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.

During schooltime you have to wear the Hogwarts uniforms. One can, however, wear ones own clothes in free time. But she’s probably on her way to some sort of lesson, so she should be wearing her robes.

Some “preps” are staring at Ebony (because she doesn’t wear her uniform?) and she makes a rude hand gesture to them. Then there’s some small talk with Draco Malfoy who says nothing, really. I’m serious.

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

And so – because he had nothing to say, I presume – she walks off to her friends of whom we will hear nothing ever again.

The AN at the end is so hilarious, I need to put it out there:

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

No, Tara. It’s really not good at all.

It’s a good thing that these chapters are so short. I can already see the end of the nightmare that is chapter 2.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.

Has she even read the books? Wait, I’m not going to hope for that much, but hasn’t she watched the films? There’s no such thing as “my bedroom” or even a room shared by two people as it obviously is in this story. There are dormitories. Approximately 5 students/dormitory. Gosh.

Anyways, she shares “her bedroom” with her friend Willow – “Raven dis is u!” – who strangely enough gets up, grins and flips her hair in the morning before even opening her eyes.

They went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall and they’re saying exactly one sentence while they’re doing that. I’m just going to assume it’s sloppy writing and not that she thought that the Great Hall and the Slytherin common room are that close together. They’re definitely not.

Draco makes another appearance and he invites Ebony to a concert in Hogsmeade. A concert by Good Charlotte. There are several problems with that.
Number 1. You can’t just decide to go to Hogsmeade whenever you feel like it. You can only leave the Hogwarts grounds – officially – on the rather rare Hogsmeade weekends.
Number 2. I’ve never heard of a concert in Hogsmeade and I don’t think there would be one. It’s a really, really tiny town.
Number 3. GOOD CHARLOTTE IS NOT A MAGICAL BAND! THEREFOR THEY CANNOT PLAY IN HOGSMEADE! Excuse the shouty capitals. Hogsmeade is the only village in the whole of Britain where only magical people live. A Muggle band will sure as hell not play there.

Thankfully, Ebony’s so overwhelmed by all of this that she only gasps and the chapter thus ends very dramatically.

Next on My Immortal: Draco owns a flying Mercedes Benz and also, he’s “SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent”.

Have yourself a lovely day :)

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